Accordingly to general definitions, ANGER is a natural response when we feel attacked, treated unfairly, deceived or frustrated. It’s tightly linked with the feeling of fear, feeling of being threatened by something or someone (real or imagined).
To get angry is a part of being human.
In many ways feeling of anger can bring us useful information, when for example thanks to it we can identify problems or things that are harmful for us, so it can motivate us to create change.
It also helps us to defend ourselves in dangerous situations by giving us a burst of energy, and this is the angers role in pure sense.
So anger is an incredible emotion because in a moment of anger we feel immense power, we feel strong energy flowing through us, which can lead us to do things we could never imagine being capable of.
But as everything that exist in polarity, anger has it’s other side, and instead of brining the benefits to the situation, it can also bring destruction.
Dysfunctional and destructive anger happens when instead of reacting to real situation of danger, we react to the projection of the situation which exists only in our minds.
It can happen sometimes to everybody, when we misunderstood something and our rooted in fear interpretation of it, triggered the feeling of anger in us.
The problem starts when this happens more often and it affects our mental health and relationships with others.
Many people who suffers from dysfunctional anger tendencies, often unconsciously developed manipulative mechanism of protection, to keep good self-image in front of themselves and others. Therefore they seem to find logical and rational reasons to accuse and blame others for their angry feelings.
Instead of looking for the source of it within, they play a victim and expect others to change in a way so they don’t have to get angry any more.
It’s really hard for the person with dysfunctional anger programming to see that they have an issue, the same way as it’s hard for the alcoholic or drug addict to realise that’s he is addicted.
They feel and believe that the danger they perceive is real, therefore their reaction is justified for them.
This, as many other dysfunctional programmes adapted in our childhood are invisible for us until something or someone will bring it into our awareness, where we can transmute it and use trapped in this way energy in a new, beautiful and beneficial way.
When we listen to people with dysfunctional anger mechanism who came out of it, we often hear that they were feeling POWERLESS deep inside and scared, ungrounded and often disconnected from themselves.
That the need to control others and situations was actually giving them feeling of security they couldn’t find within otherwise. Any sign of loosing it was triggering the anger, and the energy of anger was making them feel powerful for a moment. The feeling they were lacking so much in their life’s.
They have learned that through anger and domination they feel inner power they crave, even though it may bring unhealthy consequences for themselves and all involved. It became like an addiction to the feeling of power, they couldn’t find anywhere else.
So from powerlessness and fear to power, through anger and control.
But is this a true power we are looking for, is this a long term solution? If this brings so much suffering for us and others, is it worth to keep such programming inside of us? (Rhetorical question 😉 )
If we already know that dysfunctional mechanisms are only working because at some level they fulfil needs inside of us, by identifying these needs we can look for other, more healthy ways of fulfilling them. We can consciously reprogram ourselves.
But first we need to make these programs visible and often the awareness of them it’s enough to trigger the change.
So if the root of our dysfunctional anger programs lays in the need to feel powerful, we can search for the reasons and roots of our powerlessness and transmute them. We can also find new ways of thinking and activities which make us feel powerful in a healthy way. The activities which connects us to ourselves more and more. It can be different to each of us.
When we feel disconnected from ourselves, it is natural that we feel lost and insecure, and we look for this security outside of ourselves, trying to control and dominate the outside world.
But as we already know, blaming and trying to change the outside world so we could feel good, is simply not working and it takes away so much energy, unnecessarily.
So each time when you feel lost and insecure, I encourage you to stop for a moment and do this few simple steps:
♡ find a quiet place where you can relax or imagine yourself in your perfect place of relaxation
♡ breath deeply and slowly through your belly, watching your body relaxing more and more
♡ keep quiet and put your hand on your heart, feel what is going on inside of you without any judgement, allow yourself to feel everything
♡ observe your thoughts like you would watch a movie and see how your thoughts influence the way you feel (you can even play with your thoughts, seeing how positive or negative thoughts influence you differently)
♡ than just let yourself be, allow everything you feel and think to pass through you like clouds in the sky watched by the Sun
After some time you will feel deep peace and deep knowing.
Your mind and your heart will work together, and deep trust will arise.
You will know then that all is well, no matter what is happening outside of yourself.
The clarity you will have about the situation will inspire you to do actions which will bring benefits to all involved.
The power we are looking for is already within, is constantly flowing through us, as us. The attempts to find it outside will at the end bring us to this conclusion.
We find true power in silence, in peace, in clarity and joy.
Domination, control and anger are only the signs of fear, which comes from feeling disconnected from the source of true power.
In truth we are never disconnected.
We only believed we are, because till now we didn’t know how it works.