I used to be so scared. Of corse I thought I was just following my heart, doing what I felt to do or not to do, but actually my mind was doing the tricks on me while keeping me in a comfort zone. I only realised this when I found myself out of it. And here is my story.
I remember when after I finished my last year of Masters in Psychology, still having my thesis exam awaiting me, I was sitting in front of the computer all burned out, trying to write my thesis and almost crying. I felt stacked and confused as nothing was flowing since a while, and I felt burning desire for an adventure, for some fresh experience, just to feel free from all this for a moment. You know the feeling!? That day my friend who was also a neighbour, popped in for a chat and made me an offer. He received an amazing job opportunity in New York and really wanted to go, but because he was suffering with neurosis (fear, panic attacks etc.) he was afraid to go alone and needed a company of someone who knew him and his condition, so asked me to go with him and help with an integration to this new in his life situation. At first I laughed, I did not take him seriously. I was at the pick of finishing my master thesis, I was renting a place and of corse I was very responsible and doing crazy things only in my Lucid Dreams 😉 But not this time. When I thought of going to New York my whole body was saying Yes! I felt at ease and the sense of being very light in my body, like something unblocked and there was a strong flow of very pleasant energy across my spine. The next day in the morning I told him I accept this offer and we started the procedure. Everything went so smoothly. I made a passport and a visa in faster mode, I extended the period of writing my thesis and I moved out from the flat leaving all my things at my parents. In 3 weeks I was already in New York.
You can imagine a small town girl who never flew anywhere, who had been stuck in one city and studying hard for last 5 years, very committed and responsible, have been suddenly going to a big diverse city like New York for a period of 3 months, hardly speaking English. It was exciting and scary but I didn’t let the fear to stop me.
On top of that I used to be so afraid of flying. I had lots of dreams in which the plane was crushing so I have never thought I’ll decide to fly. But this time I opened my mind and my heart for every possibility. I felt such freedom and joy that I was ready to accept anything. I knew that even if the plane crushed I would die happy, I would die free, I would die feeling fully alive because I felt big “Yes” inside and this couldn’t be wrong.
I landed happily in New York and the openness and sense of freedom haven’t left me for the whole stay, although I went through different challenges many times. When I say freedom I mean deep confidence that no matter what happens I’m able to accept it and handle it accurately and trust that everything happens for the best.
Taking this decision was the best thing that happened to me at that time, because it led me to experiencing more and more situations where I had the opportunity to learn how to follow my intuition and the language of my body. I came back to Poland totally changed, as after routine studying the theory for so many years I eventually had the chance to experience life in its fullness by putting myself out of comfort zone, meeting the unknown and unexpected every day.
I wrote the thesis, passed final exam and flew back to New York for another 3.5 months. Since then I kept travelling and kept trying new things because crossing over my comfort zone, and braking through my fear makes me feel simply alive. I feel like I’m thriving not only existing.
But travelling only can’t fix everything, it can also be a great way to run away from facing other parts of us which need our attention and integration. In my case this was happening in the so called “life calling” space.
There were longer periods when I was falling back to the comfort nest, where I was using so many excuses just to stay there. The voice in my head sounded like: “I’m an introvert so I’m just following my nature”, “I am very sensitive so I should not go out and put myself out there”, “I don’t feel like going here or there and I’m simply authentic to this feeling etc”. Sometimes this voice is our inner guide, our intuition giving us hints, but in many cases it is a program which is stopping us from movement, change and expansion.
Have you ever heard mind chatter like this? Maybe you caught yourself on different kinds of excuses?
The truth is that I was simply scared, but I wasn’t aware of that, and my fears were stopping me from doing what I simply love. The fears were whispering at the back of my mind: “What if I go out, do my thing and I’ll fall? What if my English is not good enough? As an introvert I should not be too much with other people because I’ll get tired very fast, so what if I’ll start to do something and I’ll not be able to continue? I am not ready! What about public speaking? I like to be somewhere in the background quietly observing other people, and now I’ll have to be the one who will be there on “stage”, will I make it?” Etc.
On the other hand I feel such strong calling for sharing and expressing myself that it simply hurts when I don’t. When I go out there and do it, it reminds me of the feeling I had when I went to New York for the first time. I feel fully alive, I feel freedom and joy, my whole body simply says Yes!
I wasn’t ready to jump straight on a deep water, so for a while I was preparing myself quietly, moving with small steps forward. I started to teach Yoga a little bit at first, and worked as a Life Coach on one on one basis. Then I got involved in acting as an extra in movies and commercials and got some small feature roles etc., just to get used to being on camera and gaining confidence when in front of public. I also have been listening to hours and hours of different lectures in English to improve the language. So little by little I was doing my thing and gaining the experience but still staying in a “safe” space till I met someone who showed up in my life, took my hand and pulled me out from this tight bubble I lived in.
I didn’t even know I was living in it until I found myself out of it!
It was scary, but the excitement was bigger than fear. This person had put me in situations where I had to trust myself, where I simply had to be ready any time and anywhere, where the excuses had no soil to thrive on.
And I opened again, the fear barely shows up, and if it does it doesn’t have the power to stop me or to pull me back to a comfort zone again.
I am still scared sometimes but I do it anyway. And even if I fall I know I can choose to fall laughing!
It’s indescribable how it feels when you do what you love. When you eventually let go of all the excuses and simply flow with life, giving your best, knowing that whatever happens, happens for the best.
Memento Mori, remember about death, transform your limits into opportunities, try new things! There’s no reason to not follow your heart 😉